Solitude

The world is noisy and busy; I need to find some space in a corner.

The world is full of hate and envy; my little corner gives me some solace.

The world is competitive and exploitative; my aloneness seems to shield me.

When I frown in my corner, I smile to the world;

When I starve in my corner, I protrude my belly to the world;

When I am conflicted in my aloneness, I offer the sign of peace to the world.

I am a deceiver, and I am deceived.

I have a single story of the world — this negative report I have held on to.

I see darkness as it is, and light as darkness in disguise.

I see tears as they are, and laughter as tearless wailing.

My “Fine” answers to the “How are you?” questions are cliches —

They never reveal the truth of my seclusion.

In my escape from hate, I miss love.

Oh, what loss befalls me!

What are my next steps? Justify my actions? Or acknowledge my wrongs?

Should I keep sinking in this quicksand of depression, or should I cry out for help?

Hey, my phone just beeped; it`s another “How are you?” question…

I type “I`m f…”, I delete.

I type “I`m depre…”, I delete

“But does she really want to know?” I ask myself.

“She probably expects a single answer,” I soliloquize.

Just as I type and delete, she moves on to other issues.

“I knew it!” I said to myself, “She never cared to know.”

Leave me in my aloneness, the world is full of selfishness!

“But she could have her problems too,” I thought aloud, “Even worse than yours, maybe”

“That`s a possibility, you know?” A supporting thought followed.

So this is me daily — intrapersonal debates and resolutions.

I am a loner.

My gestures, my expressions, my affirmations,  — all prevarication!

Oh, solitude! Dear solitude, an enemy like a friend!

In you, I have found no real joy, only the idea of joy you have made me believe.

Depart from me, dear solitude; or perhaps I should rephrase:

I will depart from you, dear solitude.

My heart desires a companion,

To whom I can pour it out often.

Introversion is a complication to resolve,

And resolve it, I will.

To solitude, I kiss goodbye.

Will I miss you? Sure!

Do I need you? Maybe not as much as I have had you.

The world is noisy and busy; I will occasionally seek some space in a corner.

© Akinsiwaju Sanya